Wednesday, November 30, 2005

When The Ship Comes Sailin' In

Once upon a time, I used to find, "I love you" very easy to say. In fact, I would say it at the drop of a hat.

Why is it so hard now? Why can I not say it as often as I used to? Why do I just say, "Thank you", when it is said to me? And no, I don't like to imagine your expression when I say that. When it comes to reciprocity now, I am guarded. I am frightened. I play safe. I instead smile back, savour the twinkle in your eyes, your smell floating like a happy cloud around me, the wrinkles and furrows I would love to smooth away and I hate myself a little bit more for being such a huge coward. For running away. For not facing reality. For being an escapist when all I actually want to do is be with you. So, I just choke back my tears, and say something silly. I would rather have you scold me or get annoyed with me than have to say what you expect me to hear.

I'm sorry for the disappointment. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm a cracked porcelain jar now that would break with a mere tap. So, instead of knocking on my heart again and again, just make me laugh now. Do your impressions, turn cartwheels, be my performing seal. One day when I have been glued together, I shall shout and scream and tell you just how much I love you. I always have. You know that, don't you?


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