Things That Annoy Me About Art

1. Really, really bad art.
2. Acolytes who mislead people into thinking they are wonderful. Occasionally people need to be told the truth, especially if they are planning Art as a career. There are lots of commercial avenues available. Everyone who is skilled, doesn't need to be an artist. No, seriously.
3. Housewives who have no clue about art apart from being on first name terms with some really bad artists, either posing as artists and/ or running galleries because it gives them something to do and feel hip.
4. Paintings with socially relevant stuff written on them. It just annoys me.
5. Art auctions that inflate art prices and the egos of artists. This works on the really rich. Like they say, a sucker is born every minute. Every art auction thrives on some rich fool who needs to make a statement about arriving.
6. Gallery owners dropping names of the rich and famous, like it will make me buy anything. See No. 5. If you've fooled some rich sucker who has more money than sense (atleast artwise), do you really think you can get away with it all the time.
7. Socialites painting. Enough said!
8. Not to be a total asshole or anything, but swathes of artists reacting to Nandigram etc and putting up shows with horrifyingly bad art.
9. People claiming to love art and knowing many artists (like that is something relevant) and thus being art aficionados, and then when you start talking with them, not knowing anything.
10. All the weird inauguration rubbish for exhibitions. Actually, this should have been #1.

Things That Have Annoyed Me Recently

I know, nobody out there is just DYING to read my latest list of annoyances. Admit it no one, this list has just made your day!

1. Women in my club in garish clothes celebrating their stupid husbands' existence (karva chauth - puke) AND getting the stupider photos published in the club newsletter. Imagine fat (I'm fat too, but I am a stylish non-garish clothes wearing fat; and those young ladies following in their elders' footsteps - well - you're looking at your future darlings) mostly punjabi/ sindhi women wearing gota and zari laden bright red, orange, pink, purple clothes and red lipstick and kilos and kilos of ganwar gold jewellery dancing to folk songs that even my blessed late grandmothers would turn up their snooty noses at.
2. The Docomo Friendship Express advertisement. I want to slap everyone in that advertisement.
3. The idiots exercising on the treadmill beside me who refuse to look the other way while I'm punching in my weight.
4. People who do not understand hygiene and the value of cleaning up. In Kolkata, thats like 99% of the population. Is it a wonder I am bad tempered?
5. People who dont understand the words, going and raving about MJ's This Is It. WHAT THE FUCK? You like watching child molesters? Also, by saying something is great just because the guy has kicked the bucket, what does it prove? If people like the music, it would be different, but whats with this dumb lemming like behaviour?
6. Indian Government Officials - atleast the ones I deal with.
7. Delta airhostesses who talk loudly when the lights are down. Nobody wants to hear about you, just let people sleep.
8. Relatives who only call to get the dirt on you.
9. Women who are wealthy dress tastelessly. Think fur, think satin, think sequins, think capes - ALL together. Women please look into the mirror before you buy. You dont have to buy it just because it cost a bajillion dollars, it needs to look GOOD on you.
10. Women who get married in a rush and then make a mess of it and refuse to listen.
11. People who pretend they have run out of cards and then email a week later, because they need you. I sometimes wonder, do they feel a twinge of regret, at all? Probably not, because well, they are American and thus rude behaviour is fine.
12. Friends who stay in America, forget your existence until they need you to do something for their dependents who are in dirty, smelly, awful India.
13. People who work with you, cracking spiteful jibes and thinking they can get away with it. Hmm... well, like I say, if you're an asshole, you will smell eventually. Also, burning bridges is not very smart.
14. People not understanding the value of RSVPing.
15. The idiot who tore off a leaf from my beloved aloe vera plant. Die asshole! Die!
16. The born donkeys who park all over my lane to get their booze.
17. Pedestrians who cant see an approaching car or understand the value of pavements.
18. Sprite Zero
19. Not getting Pro-Touch OB tampons in Kolkata. If you get me a sackful, I will be your slave for life.
20. Life

Only in the USA

1. Will I meet an airhead who will be impressed with the ancient Indian art of "threading", and will discuss it during networking. WTF???
2. Will people talk loudly and slowly with you just because you are not cookie-cutter thin, blonde and white.
3. Will people ask you when you learnt English.
4. Will women think emancipation is having a separate networking event only for women. OHMYGOD - NO. I dont want to be treated any differently and even though I crib about the old boys networks, I really dont want to be party to a cackle of hens.
5. Will I meet really well educated people who have no clue where Calcutta is, never mind that a person of similar educational background from say Chile, not only knows Calcutta but also has read Indian literature.
6. Will have airlines ignore your pre-booked seating and force you to sit in the centre just because they think they can get away with it, because the passenger is not american. Said airline being United and said airline breaking suitcases and the personnel being rude and irresponsible.
7. Will women bras of size a, b and c be padded. WTF? Don't american women with small boobs wear non-padded bras? What is this obssession with being Pamela Anderson Lee?

In The Garden

Living in a flat gets claustrophobic sometimes and I long for greenery. As always, I have ambitious plans and a month back, with hope springing eternal in my heart, with notions of verdant creepers and leaves springing from my tiny flat nooks, I employed a gardener. I had 3 pots then, to which I added a Ficus and an Aloe Vera plant. When the sum total of 5 pots was presented to the gardener, he smirked a little. I hoped he too would appreciate my thoughts. Turns out, my gardener works in a nearby mansion in Queens Park and has started adding to my collection by propagating the excesses into my humble pots. Everytime I return home on Tuesday, I find new plants greeting me saucily. Today's addition was the cactii - second from the right and left on the bottom row. Looking at my plants, I feel grounded and peaceful and at home, something that I have never felt before.

Earlier, my black thumb ensured that whatever plant I tried to grow, I killed either by over watering or forgetting to water it at all. Now, even my delicate Aloe vera plant has a new tendril - that is not visible in this photo since it was taken at 10 in the night. I wanted to grow orchids and have been a frequent orchid murderer. Now, however an orchid fest seems possible.

The Snapper Saga

Last Sunday I came across white snapper and red snapper that looked really fresh at Spencer's fish shop, so I got both and also mackerel. Now, I am surprised. The white snapper, red snapper and the mackerel are way cheaper than Beckty, Hilsa and even rui! So, I am on a mackerel and snapper binge fest!

So, today was a Red Snapper dinner. This recipe has been pieced from Kylie Kwong's show, Ken Hom's recipes and also flavors from Vietnam and Thailand. This one is deep fried Red Snapper with a tangy chilly tamarind sauce. This is so simple and took me about 30 mins to prep and cook. The sauce was tamarind water, lime juice, sugar, garlic macerated, chillies chopped finely, shallots minced, coriander, mint leaves (that for some reason arent visible in the photo) and fish sauce. The fish was dusted with salt, pepper and flour and deep fried just like Kylie Kwong's technique and it was absolutely smashing! The fish was deep fried first and the sauce just poured over it. This was so good, it should be made illegal. I kid you not.

Red Snapper deep fried with tamarind chilly garlic sauce.

On Sunday, for dinner, I decided to bake the White Snapper. I wanted a clean, plain mouthfeel, so decided to keep the fish free from spices. I rubbed the snapper with olive oil, lime juice, salt and pepper, threw some garlic flakes over it and plonked it in the oven at about 190deg C for about 20-25 minutes. This was perfection. The fish was cooked perfectly. The freshness of the fish was not drowned by any spice or flavouring and each bite was moist, flaky and tasty.

Baked White Snapper

I got flowers in the spring

I asked for masses of flowers. I got masses of flowers. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so very much!

Do Not Be Angry When You Go To Sleep

If you want a lover
Ill do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
Ill wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
Im your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
Ill examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
Im your man

Ah, the moons too bright
The chains too tight
The beast wont go to sleep
Ive been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
Or Id crawl to you baby
And Id fall at your feet
And Id howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And Id claw at your heart
And Id tear at your sheet
Id say please, please
Im your man

And if youve got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
Ill disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Across the sand
Im your man
If you want a lover
Ill do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
Ill wear a mask for you

My Vada-Pav Eating Expedition

I'm not really into street food. I am however, into Anthony Bourdain. And if Anthony can eat Vada-pav once and dig it, should I not atleast have one Vada-pav experience? So, desperate measures were in order. In desperate times, one turns to moms. Non? So, I rang up mata and explained the dire necessity of eating Vada-pav. I needed to visit Mumbai and partake of Vada-pav or else life was not worth living.

Well, in summary, Veni, Vidi, Veci......

Mata and Mr. Mata dutifully surveyed all the Vadewale in their area and came up with Shreedutt on the Panvel-Pune Highway. This was a sight to watch. No sooner were the vadas out of the kadhai, they landed right in the plates of people who just could not seem to get enough. We also had misal, saboodaana khichdi and kokum sherbet, but thats for another post. The vade were good.
A week after that, I went to Pune to my visit my parents and I related our Vada-pav expedition and my parents told me of Joshi Vadewaale, apparently the best Vadewale of Pune, who according to them must be closed due to Swine flu, because EVERY FUCKING thing in Pune was closed. However, in the spirit of things and to further our Vada-pav research, my father went on an exploratory mission and located 2 vadewaale in Baner (where they stay) - Rohit Vadewaale and one another who's name, sadly I have forgotten now. Anyhow, Vade were obtained "purely for research" - 4 each - Daddy dearest being a scientist always does VERY precise things, and consumed "purely for research"! The things we do for science!

The Other One

Rohit Vadewale

Hmmmmmm..... The truth was that we couldnt decide which were better. According to me, potatoes - good, deep fried in batter - good, soft pav - good, deep fried chillies - good, garlic chutney - good. All together - Good.

However, the Shreedutt vade had an edge because they were piping hot, the garlic chutney had an interesting edge. However, the pav was not so great.

The End!