Friday, March 31, 2006

Everywhere You Go

Ma Cherie

Champagne Suzy's being pampered with new tints, new clothes and a new toy.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Be Careful What You Wish For

Wondering... When will my ego be massaged? Sigh! It's been a long day ending with the obligatory crick in the neck, slight headache and spreading fatigue. All I long to do is lie in bed and read Amy Tan.

Happiness is...

The neph calling up first thing in the morning to thank me for the books I sent and telling me in great detail just how he would make pizzas for his friend with, his Mamma's help.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Clothes Line Saga

Any working woman in India values her household help and will fight tooth and nail to prevent poaching. If it wouldn't be for my maids, my driver, my dhobi (ironing guy), my electrician and my plumber, I would be in a perpetual state of anxiety. I'm really bad, and I couldn't stop laughing at the deep silence at the other end of the line when I asked my sister if her housekeeper was keeping her options open about working in Calcutta.


I don't know what was more entertaining, scaring my sister about poaching her help or manipulating my nephew to make him say, "Mausi, you are the most beautiful girl." I don't want my nephew to grow up right now, he's at the most entertaining stage of his life (for me) when he's gullible enough to be manipulated.

Guess I'm Doin' Fine

I hate it when people judge me or give me advice without knowing my side of the story, especially when it pertains to my personal life. I am a very private person. I don't discuss my personal life with even close friends, so I find it very strange when people I know very superficially start doling out advice. I liken it to someone telling a person who has a prosthetic leg, to walk gracefully. In India where boundaries are particularly prone to osmosis, such advice barges its way through when you least expect it, often hitting below the belt.

If there is one thing I have learnt from my mother, it is to be graceful while being the object of criticism. So, I shall bide my time and smile and close my eyes and remember the baby smell of my nephew's hair, my mother braiding my hair when I had long hair falling below my hips, my sister's cuddly hugs, the comforting voice of my father telling me nothing was wrong on that awful awful flight back from Bombay, maroon mufflers.

Monday, March 27, 2006

My Sister Went to the Golden Temple

And all I got was this lousy pair of jootis....

Sunday, March 26, 2006


I have been ghost-writing my mother's speeches. These days my parents are in the speech giving business. In all fairness, mother does an initial draft herself. I have been re-drafting her speeches these days and mostly when I read her drafts, I'm helpless with laughter. Mom puts in instructions in parentheses and are mostly to this effect, "Put a nice quotation so that it looks as if I'm very scholarly" or "I have to go and make tea for those obnoxious people, so please complete this paragraph."

Mother is a long one-act comedy show. Her entire life is dedicated to proving how loving, large-hearted and gracious she is. In reality, she is funny, amusing, comical and very, very irreverent. On last count, she was pleased with the job I did and was mad at my brother because he refused to help her in bamboozling the world.

Shopaholic does Calcutta

So, now I have Queen, potato peelers and filing drawers. I spent my Sunday evening filing thousands of papers that seem to accumulate and that I never appreciated enough until my accountant asked me for them and I remembered rather faintly that I had torn and thrown said bills away.

Tomorrow I shall post the picture of the most useless peeler manufactured in the history of mankind.

And to think I had just ventured out to buy one book.

Friday, March 24, 2006

And Where Are You Tonight?

I miss you Varsha and if you get my email or happen to read this, please do email back.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

What Are The Odds?

I have a disorder caused by stress and am allergic to the prescribed medication. Really...

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


If Neutrogena is so popular that ALL the commentors stockpiled Neutrogena products, why don't we get it in India? Unfair...

Sunday, March 19, 2006

When The Ship Comes In

There is this Seinfeld episode in which Elaine stockpiles her birth control sponges and rates her dates as sponge-worthy or not. I'm absolutely sure all women stockpile something or the other and have a morbid fear of running out of. I stockpile Dabur vatika facepack (I rate events and parties as Vatika-worthy or not), toilet paper (I'm not going to reveal the brand, because the moment I do, all you on the Internet will start buying it up and there will be a sudden dip in the supply) and Neutrogena clean volume hair conditioner. I'm terrified these products will suddenly be pulled off the shelves.

I'd really like to know what the readers of this blog (if any, though it doesn't seem like there are any!!) stockpile. Or am I the only crazy?


1. To be in NYC again.
2. To walk on the banks of the Seine on a Friday afternoon.
3. To run, run, run again on grassy tracks where the sky is blue.
4. To watch the heavens pour down and to share the sight.
5. To never come off roller-coasters and feel the wind in my hair.

In Sicily, Women Are More Dangerous Than Shotguns

I went to Oxford to do my monthly bulk book shopping. I often read weird stuff. So, at the end of my browsing, I had a huge pile of books and was doing my final sifting and talking with the manager, when an old Gentleman walked up to talk with the manager. He glanced at my pile, took a look at me and then took a step backwards. I looked down at my pile and saw "The Complete Book of Handguns", "The Illustrated History of Whisky" and "Slaughterhouse-Five". I must admit, I too would avoid that combination, especially if the person was dressed all in black.

Friday, March 17, 2006

AND of course...

I miss elder sister too, who cleaned my fridge, kitchen, cooked and shopped for me and finally spent time with ME as promised!

Does ANYONE remember A-Team? It was the silliest of shows but so very enjoyable as silly things often are. What I really found side-splitting was Hannibal giving the villain "advice" like, "Next time don't just hire people to do your job, get a TEAM." During the 80s, I and my sister were hooked to it. When I say hooked, I mean HOOKED. The weird part is that we watched the entire series dubbed in German. Even then, we loved it. On Tuesday afternoon, we suddenly discovered a re-run on some channel and it was as if we were 9 and 11 again. We introduced it to the neph. After the show, the neph had a testosterone surge and insisted on wrestling for atleast an hour. Some things really run in families. I remember my brother behaving in exactly the same way after A-team when he was 5 too.

The Stand-up Comic

My little (age 5 and a half) nephew is a smart-ass. When I call him an ingrate, he calls me an ingredient of food! He falls into waterbodies at hotels and tries to convince us all that it was an accident. He claims he will miss me a LOT too and yet when I call, is in a rush to watch Bob the Builder. Today, when I see the tail pipe of his model airplane stuffed into my penstand, I feel like bursting into tears. I REALLY miss him.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Happiness is...

Describing my newest baby as beautiful, sweet, rosy and a big girl and being told, "Just like you."

Flattery if nothing, is heartwarming.

You Go Your Way I'll Go Mine

If another well-meaning friend/ acquaintance/ Friend's mother/ aunt/ grandmother/ neighbour's grand-aunty tells me that I have *finally* reached the *right* age to *settle* down, I swear to God, I shall tell them that they should get divorced, its just the *right* time for them to leave their husbands.

Oh and also cue in annoying lady from travel agents' office telling me that my house will look good on my visa application for visiting the UK since it will appear I am *rooted* and not going to search for a husband. Vomit! Puke!

Hello! Goodbye!

Bye-Bye Bootle Bumtrinket!

Champagne Suzy is here!!!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Hey That's No Way To Say Goodbye

I know, but I've had so much practice these last 6 years. And so, I shall post this here, just because....

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes, many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but now it's come to distances and both of us must try,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

I'm not looking for another as I wander in my time,
walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
you know my love goes with you as your love stays with me,
it's just the way it changes, like the shoreline and the sea,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm,
your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm,
yes many loved before us, I know that we are not new,
in city and in forest they smiled like me and you,
but let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye.

I've been rather busy, but one day....................

Sisters Of Mercy

I thought and thought and thought and finally realised that my friend was referring to "The Vagina Monologues" when he told us all about this feminist play in town called "THE PUSSY TALKS". Mwahahahahaha...

Gotta Serve Somebody

Its time for the annual family re-union in 10 days time. I'm looking forward to having my nephew stay in my house finally this time. So, I'm getting waterfall showers installed. The bliss! Its, ahem, cough, meant for the nephew, honest!

My parents sometimes forget that I'm a new house owner and my household still reflects the fact that I stay alone and don't mind drinking tea out of champagne glasses or wine glasses or huge coffee mugs. My father particularly looks pained everytime I pour his tea into my coffee mugs and asks me in that absent-minded scientists' voice, "Beta, don't yu have cup and saucers?" The problem is that I want white, fine bone china tea cups and saucers and I've still not found the perfect cups I am looking for. So, sorry folks, tea will be served in assorted mugs.

If You See Her Say Hello

The problem and the allure of older men is that they don't try so hard. I've never dated anyone my age or younger simply because I find men my age so hard to put up with and I'm also never interested in anyone who I think can't teach me anything. Which is why I have learnt avoidance, chickening out, cold feet and double talk really well. When I say this, I am not being bitter, I'm just saying....

Actually, these feelings resurface only when I am faced with the prospect of doing my taxes, which I just hate.