What If?

Life is very strange and you never know what may happen next. Some valuable lessons that I have learnt are never to lose hope and to never make assumptions about people. One of the hugest reality checks I ever got in my life was in the first year of my postgraduation. I was in a new environment, suddenly exposed to the best education that India could offer and absorbing as much as I could. I made a million new "friends" but no one good enough to share and swap experiences with, and then I was stuck on the same floor in the hostel as Balti, the class nerd and lazy genius. Well, necessity made us swap class notes, books and assignments since we were sort of lumped together. We were both on the 4th floor and it was a drag to walk down to some other classmate's room. I normally do not form opinions about people, and despite Balti's rudeness I did not respond with rudeness as I usually do. I surprized myself but Balti did not being out my normal asocial tendencies. Gradually we started hanging out together and I discovered Balti had a sort of geeky and nerdy sense of humour. What! Balti laughs too? We became friends without realizing it. Normally female friends know "everything" about their other female friends, but it wasn't so with me and Balti. Both of us had our private places and we kept it that way. One thing that I noticed about Balti was that she never spoke about her family and I attributed it to her being a private person.

The semester was over before we could say "Witches of Agnesi" and I was at the bottom of my class and Balti was at the top. However, that did not make any difference to our friendship. By the end of the semester, everyone knew me and I was popular and Balti was not. Still, she was my closest friend on campus. Our second semester was a flurry of social activity for me and chilling for Balti who was lazier than a sloth. I was amazed about her natural ability with the subject of our study. Then as the months melded into one another, her birthday came up. I had planned a tiny party and on D day, I got a cake and eats and called some of our best friends and kept it secret from Balti. Balti walked into her room and when she saw the party and the cake and our friends, she froze. I thought that she'd be happy, but instead, she just turned blindly to the door and ran out. We waited for Balti and when she did not return for an hour, we started looking for her. She was nowhere to be found on campus, not in the usual places atleast. Everyone just drifted away and then I knew where I'd find her. I walked to the library and in the secret niche that we had discovered and appropriated as "our" space, I found her doubled over scribbling over a problem. When she heard my footsteps she looked up and her eyes were red and swollen and in a strangled voice that I shall remember to this day said, "Why can't you ever leave me alone? I'm sick of you and your interference in my life. You think you know me so well, but you don't and I like it that way." Well! I was a little angry (actually very angry, after all the pains I had taken, this is what I get!) but I also wanted to know why she did what she did. When her outburst abated, I started talking with her, but her tears would not stop. Finally after what seemed like hours, she stopped crying, got up and said, "lets get back to the hostel, its late." We trotted back in silence and once in her room, I asked her what was wrong but she refused to say a word. My curiosity was aroused and I persisted like an irritating gnat.

Then, she started talking (after that she never stopped, or so it seemed to everybody) and she told me that she had not celebrated her birthday since she was 8. I asked her why and what she told me chilled me to the bone. Her father was due for a minor appendicitis operation and he delayed the date of his operation so that they could celebrate Balti's (his first born and thoroughly spoilt daughter) 8th birthday party. A day after her party her dad went in for the fatal operation and things changed forever for her. The doctor who operated did not check the oxygen cylinders which were empty and during the operation that took few hours the oxygen cylinders were empty and he slipped into a coma. He remained in a coma for 3 long years and died. The 3 years that he was in a coma were a nightmare for Balti and her mother and siblings. At the time of the operation, her mother was pregnant. For 3 long years B, her mother and sisters (she had 2 younger sisters) prayed her dad would slip back into consciousness but that did not happen. Meanwhile, the family struggled hard to make ends meet and B had a very tough time growing up. All her life, B keeps on thinking "What if" her dad had not rescheduled his operation? "What if" she had not wanted a party? To this day, my friend who is fairly successful has this guilt associated with her birthday and the "what if" hangs on her like a heavy cross. I've tried to get her to stop blaming herself and a lot of her wounds have healed up but I know when she is depressed that is what gets her down. "What if" indeed. There have been so many times in my life too when things could have gone on differently but did not and I think, "what if?" Then I think of B and I shake my head and look ahead and I know that mostly because of Balti the "what ifs" really do not matter and are a total waste of time.