On Happiness

Sometimes happiness is just a plane ride away and it takes you years to buy that ticket.

 

Nani Arranges Mother Goose Ensembles At Local Kirtan Mandli

Like a lot of people my age, my parents too packed us off to my maternal grandparents' for our summer vacations. We resented it, because while my classmates had photos of Goa or Bombay or Shimla or 'Whichever US Univ Dad was teaching at', we, 8 times out of 10 were visiting the boondocks (interior Awadh) and had no exotic tales (or so we thought) to relate.

Nani (maternal grandmother) awaited our summer vacations 10 times more eagerly than we did. We were Nani's little showpieces, with multilingual skills (Hindi, Bengali, English and a smattering of German heavily embellished when we faltered), musical abilities (Ha!), dancing talent and various other skills that Nani couldnt wait to show off.

Nani would announce months in advance, our royal arrivals and departures. Every single day, some rural lady would come to gawk and mark attendance in Nani's Court, at us little precocious princelings and princesslings.

This royal appearance would consist of us being first scrubbed from head to toe, being dressed in frocks/ skirts/ dresses or pants/ jumpers (Indian clothes did not hold much favour with Nani who thought them ganwaar and old fashioned), having our hair brushed till it shone (I always suffered because I had hair below my waist and the agony of having it brushed and plaited into neat braids, I will never forget), and putting on socks and shoes in the hottest months of UP. Then after we were suitably attired and checked by martinet Nani, we would be made to sit side by side in Nani's receiving rooms. Only then would the rural (and sometimes not rural) guest be allowed to feast their eyes on us. Our praises would be sung to high heavens. Our beauty would be compared to Lakshmi, Saraswati and Durga depending on the mood and our virtues would be extolled to no end.

Then hot tea or Brahmi Sherbet (I will not care to explain this, for fear that I will start howling and wailing without stopping) or Bael Sherbet or Phalsa Sherbet or Aam Panna or Shikanji or some similar tasty drink would be served with hot pakodas or matthris (Like only women in my family are capable of making and I do not exaggerate when I say this) or some hot snack and ladoos, kachri (rice flour wafers), different kinds of papads, sev, biscuits, halwa and the fruits of the season (more often than not, dassehri or langdas from our orchards) would be served. If the visitor had strained circumstances, a big fat pack of food was prepared to take home. After the heavy nashta, cold water from our wells would be served (I am not maudlin when I say this, but I have never drunk tastier water than the water from our wells and tube wells. Was it the ghaghra -Sarayu river- or what, I dont know). After cold water was gulped down in 1 litre big brass tumblers, it was a signal to the guest that it was time to bid a fond farewell and Nani would start relating what a busy person she was. The guest would then stuff money in our hands (ranging from 2 Rupees to 100-500 Rupees, depending on the socio-economic background) and we would get Nani's signals to touch the guests feet regardless of social stature. The guest would then comment on how well- brought-up we were and depart.

Once a week, Nani would assemble a kirtan mandli, consisting of all the ladies in the village, who would assemble and sing kirtans (hymns) very very tunelessly. Nani had also included folk songs which she would improvise according to the situation. This was also Nani's way of gathering info about the goings-on in the village and was the perfect way of her getting the opportunity to poke her nose in business that most certainly wasnt hers. During our vacations, she would drag us to her kirtan groups and her mandate was that we perform at the events. The performance had to be new and unique and preferably should not be repeated. I, my siblings and my cousin sisters would rack our brains and come up with stuff. So, the good ladies of Ganeshpur were exposed to cultural oddities such as Mother Goose's Bobby Shaftoe, Cobbler Cobbler, The Crooked Sixpence, For Want of a Nail, Little Tom Tucker etc. and also stuff like 500 Miles, O Captain My Captain, Daffodils, Ave Maria, Rabindrasangeet and Nazrul giti, all the chota khayals I sang horribly, I have a dream, Fernando, Brown Girl in the Ring and my sister and my odissi and kathak awful awful recitations. My odissi recital (it was way beyond awful, was a dashavtar piece that I was forced into at school - difference was I did all the parts at Nani's) proved to be the crowd stealer and was mentioned for many years to come. I still chuckle at the memories and how Nani would force junta to form an audience to appreciate her gifted, talented granddaughters and grandsons.

Once we reached our teens, we rebelled and refused to perform. That was the end. Had I known or realised the powerful love behind Nani's orders, I would have danced till my feet dropped off, whenever she wanted me too and sung till I lost my voice. I now know what an amazing powerful force my Nani was and I hope I have even a tenth of the lifeforce she had, and a fraction of the strength she showed till the last breath she took.

What We Did Wrong

Ran away when there was no need. And we now live to regret it, every single passing second.

I Think This Time We Shall Escape

Was that the thunder that I heard?
My head is vibrating,
I feel a sharp pain
Come sit by me, don’t say a word
Oh, can it be that I am slain?
Quick, Magdalena, take my gun
Look up in the hills, that flash of light
Aim well my little one
We may not make it through the night

This beyond everything is what I fear and cannot control. Everything else, is well under control. I feel this strongly with every passing day. Time truly does not wait. You know, my gut feelings are always right, and no, I am not being over dramatic again.

The Fortune-Telling Lady Has Even Taken All Her Things Inside

Now the moon is almost hidden
The stars are beginning to hide
The fortune-telling lady
Has even taken all her things inside
All except for Cain and Abel
And the hunchback of Notre Dame
Everybody is making love
Or else expecting rain
And the Good Samaritan, he’s dressing
He’s getting ready for the show
He’s going to the carnival tonight
On Desolation Row
Haven't done a lot of Dylan because my life has been smooth as silk lately. A little bump here and there, every now and then, but silk it is. I have my cocoons, looms and weavers. They may not know it, but everyday I look at them going about their busy business and pray for them.

This post is not as senseless as it looks, atleast to me.

Being The Skeleton In The Closet

So, we're looking for a bride for my brother. My five year younger brother. In fact, I've even started buying clothes to wear in my brother's wedding and we havent (he hasnt) found the bride yet. Mother was telling me about a meeting she had with a lady with a daughter who could be the suitable girl. And she says, "Before anyone else could tell her, I told her - my daughters are very independent minded. The elder one got married to a Bengali man and the younger one is not going to."

So, world, meet plumpernickel - the skeleton in my family's closet.

Pain That Stops and Starts - A Decade

1. It will be ok.
2. I can't manage you, but sometimes maybe you should give it a try.
3. I have many many many demons that we have easily identified. I'm not asking you to slay them, just soothe me while I'm dealing with them.
4. I told you I was contradictory.
5. Sometimes, even the world isnt enough when I need the space. Let me roam.
6. Whats the sense in changing horses in midstream?
7. I am back in the rain and you're on the ledge - You made it there somehow.
8. I'm just like that bird - singing just for you. I hope you can hear. Hear me singing through these tears.
9. Time is a jetplane. It moves too fast.
10. I remember but thats no reason for interrogation. Non?

Afternoons and Coffeespoons

Afternoons encourage the exchange of confidences. Based on wholly true incidents - WHEN ONE JUST DOES NOT WANT TO BUMP INTO AN EX-BOYFRIEND:
1. On meeting your daughter's in-laws at her wedding, your longtime ago ex from school turns out to be your son-in-law's piano teacher. You think, "God! WTF did I see in this loser?"
2. You wait for an hour at the gynaecologist, only to come face to face with an ex, who grins and says, "So, are we ready to be examined yet?"
3. At an interview you are taking, for personal assistants.
4. While watching the latest action flick, the idiots sitting in the front row keep necking. Lights go on and it is an ex with some 16 year old.
Just for the record, none of the above happened to me.

Do Not Be Angry When You Go To Sleep

If you want a lover
Ill do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
Ill wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
Im your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
Ill examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
Im your man

Ah, the moons too bright
The chains too tight
The beast wont go to sleep
Ive been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep
Ah but a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
Or Id crawl to you baby
And Id fall at your feet
And Id howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And Id claw at your heart
And Id tear at your sheet
Id say please, please
Im your man

And if youve got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
Ill disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Across the sand
Im your man
If you want a lover
Ill do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
Ill wear a mask for you

People Who Should Have Swine Flu But Wont Because Their Sole Mission In Life is To Annoy Me

1. Behenji
2. Barkha Dutt (Yes sweetie, THATS how annoying you really are)
3. Most of TOI
4. Didi
5. The Karats
6. Most of the CPI M
7. Sushmaji
8. Basically all politicians who irritate me
9. The fat woman who asked me if I was single because I was divorced, widowed or because no man would marry me (NOT MAKING THIS UP)
10. All jay walkers
11. All people who can't stand in a queue in Haldirams and Spencers
12. Pretentious artists
13. Pretentious art critics who write catalogues for pretentious artists
14. Pretentious gallery owners who make pretentious art critics write catalogues for pretentious artists
15. 98% of Bollywood film industry starting with the Bachchans.

Go on, add to the list... You know you want to!

Things I Want Before I Die

This post's title's byline should read - I Don't Know Why I Am Posting This.

I love to shop, yet I didn't shop for anything other than tylenol in NY because I didn't have the time! I already have a things to do before I die list (Out of which I have completed one more thing, so its down to 31! Baby steps people! Baby steps!). So I'm posting a "Things I want before I die" list. Also, I will sell-out for atleast 5 of these things, but I'm not telling which. Actually, considering that no one seems to read this blog anymore, I keep asking myself, what is the huge secret, still...

1. Fine china tableware (a full service dinner set and a tea set with a teapot and the works) - wedgwood or royal doulton. Beautiful table ware makes me go eeeee....
2. A huge kitchen and when I say huge, I mean HUGE - 1000 sq ft Huge - all my ex-apartments and my very own current darling apartment have tiny kitchens where I can barely store my stuff or move around (however, I have pulled off a 4 course, cooked from scratch - I didn't mill the flour or anything, but I don't use any mixes ever - dinner and lunches for over 8 people, so I know if one really wants to cook, one can) and in my dream house I want a HUGE kitchen and a HUGE pantry.
3. A black and a neutral trench coat that I can wear all my life and that make me look slim.
4. A vineyard and an orchard where I want to grow figs, loqats and peaches.
5. A picasso, a chagall, a subodh gupta, a raza, a warhol, a britto, a hussain and a kingshuk sarkar.
6. A voter's identity card.
7. My grandmother's (either - both were very spirited, independent and strong-willed) or father's determination and resolve.
8. My mother's recipes for making gujiyas and mathris - she grudgingly gave them to me, but I know she's left out something because mine just don't taste the same, when I asked her, she said - the ingredients are not the same quality!
9. A Bergama and a Milas carpet each - oh the beauty!
10. Lots and lots of shoes - only italian please, I tried out a million manolos and choos but I know I can't walk in them, on the other hand my coccinelle shoes are darlings. I spent 6.5 hours in them on my feet about 10 days back - 2.5 inch heels - and neither did my feet swell, nor did I get any corns, I was just tired and if thats not a good shoe, I don't know what is.

These are things I really, really want. I don't think I can afford any of the above right now, but planning now sure seems a good idea.

Innovative Business Plans

Have you ever envied young 24 year-old entrepreneurs or CEOs who have made millions, selling their PhDs to Microsoft or who have started social networking sites in a native language that apparently has millions of users, while you read a scathing email from your boss in which he shoots down your report and you fantasize boiling him in a cauldron of bubbling oil? The thought of just giving him (your boss or alternatively the CEO depending on which thought would make your world rosier) one stinging slap, surely must have crossed your mind, sometimes?

Have you ever had long, annoying arguments with pesky younger brothers who just do not see your point because they are young and pesky, while you are 31. Does your palm not tingle at the thought of making contact with your brother's cheek?

Do you have annoying aunts who say the bitchiest of things, and add, "but you know beta, we only have your best interests in mind." Do you not think that at this point, Auntie would be much improved if uncle would slap some sense into her every now and then?

Has any bitchy married lady ever told you loudly, "My God! I never thought you could look nice!"

Did you ever have a landlord, who would make a point of knocking on your door to check the paint on the walls or the pipes, just when you and your friends had finished rolling those joints and were in the process of lighting up and takes atleast an hour to do so?

If you are of an entrepreneurial bent of mind, you could start a thriving Thappad Supari (Supari is slang for contract killing) business. A Thappad Supari business would involve hiring some rather commonplace looking but quick on the feet workforce. Once a Thappad Supari has been placed, some effort needs to be expended in locating the target, waiting for him to be somewhat isolated, then going and asking, "Bhaisaab/ behenji, time kya hai?" That will make the target stop, then give him a hard, stinging slap and just melt back into the shadows.

I for one, would gladly pay atleast 500 bucks a piece to have someone slap Sabeer Bhatia, my younger brother, lots of annoying aunties, bitchy married women and my ex-landlord.