Woe Is Me

The baker got a PHUNKY haircut, and it makes him look like a cross between a macaw and a lunatic, when the aim was a jap hipster. So much fail!

Indian Trophy Wife Characteristics

1. Blonde hair, either streaked or fully dyed. For some reason, Indian men like all others, like their trophy wife, blonde.


2. Previous professions - PR, Event management, Hotels/ hospitality industry, flight attendants, journalism (may surprise you, but true).


3. Clothed in Sabyasachi/ Ritu Kumar/ Gucci/ Any Designer label as long as it is loud. Show me a trophy wife who has ever carried off a sophisticated kanjeevaram and I will happily eat a tiny portion of durian.


4. Given to talking loudly about creative vacations.


5. Flashing a big fat diamond somewhere, either on the finger or ears. Understatement, is clearly a concept not understood.


6. Always in heels.


7. Sporting a big designer bag. See above wrt understatement.


8. Always interested in art, even though may not be able to distinguish a picasso from a miro. If is able to, guaranteed to do so in loud tones, that can be heard across room.


9. Is incapable of having a sensible conversation with husband's female colleagues that does not involve maids, children or condescension.

What They Dont Teach At IIMs

If I had a dollar for every overeducated asshole I met, I would have atleast a quarter million dollars. Somehow these days being a nice human being equals being unsuccessful. Atleast that is what they teach at the IITs and the IIMs. These are the people running organizations, very successfully. These are the people who make India shining. These are the people who are the cream of the crop and these are the people who are represent India in most global forums. These are the people who compose the majority of my friends, who a majority of my friends are married to, and who I have grown up with. Yet, I have zero respect for them as human beings.
Fine, your IQ is 130+, you went to a better college but does that give you the licence to be a complete jerk? You too will kick the bucket some day and in pretty much the same manner as any other person who is not God's gift to mankind. One may think I'm mad and given to ranting, YET you decide after these scenarios whether these guys are assholes or not.
1. Guy asks (lady) colleague if she needs help shopping for groceries, as she doesnt have a car. On way back, guy asks lady if he can come up. Lady says no. Guy says, "Well, fine, but dont think I wont be fucking other women then." Guy from an IIM and a professor to boot. His female students have all my sympathy.
2. Guy points to pillar and tells lady, I can be that for you. Lady asks if he is married or not. Guy says, "I'm a free man." Lady finds out guy is married for last 20 years and nowhere near a divorce. Guy from an IIM.
3. Guy tells lady he is meeting in an arranged marriage thing, "Well, you know I am a catch. While you are probably my intellectual equal, the other options I have will look better with me everywhere." Guy from IIT/ IIM.
4. Guy tells lady, "I have been with hundreds of women, and they are good to fuck, but I'd rather sit here and have a conversation with you." A winner this one, ladies. Guy from an IIM.
5. Guy meets college friend (Lady) at the airport. Guy doesnt introduce trophy wife to Lady after learning she is still single. Guy from IIT/ IIM.

The above scenarios did not happen with me. So, apparently I am not alone in thinking going to the best universities/ colleges in India, does not automatically make you superior or God's gift to womankind/ mankind.

In my opinion, the following courses should be taught at the IITs and IIMs post haste:
1. How to behave with women who are your social, economical and intellectual equals 101.
2. Manners To Display with ladies whose pants you are aiming to get into 101. (Newsflash - Being a jerk and having the last word is not going to cut it)
3. How to handle initial rejection without coming across as a complete asshole 101.
4. What not to say to your female colleagues 101. (MAYBE Phaneesh Murthy could be a guest professor)
5. How to deal with the fact that women will always exist at the workplace whether you like it or not 101.

More Surprised Than Anything Else

Few days ago, someone left a really really rude comment, which of course I deleted. Comment moderation, I love you. Anyhow, the funny thing is, I sorta agreed with the commenter, though I doubt he would have seen it that way. The comment was on one of my posts about how Indian men should shape up. I do go on the offensive very often mostly because the Indian men I meet make it just very very easy and my relationships with them are tenuous to say the least. What can I say? I like bad men and not the nice, submissive, mamma's boys kinds. This guy was an american guy of Indian origin and commented that Indian women too were pathetic. Of course, the comment was really rude. BUT, thing is that these days the sheer numbers of pathetic Indian women and men do bring on the bile. Also, I also feel that many Indian women who adopt western influences, embrace all the wrong ones. Me, I'm all about the feminism and equality. Most of my Indian sisters are about the dressing like a slut. Anyway, rude commenter, in a very very weird way, there was a grain of truth in your bilious rant.

Boundaries and Fences

1. The Internet is not really an anonymous medium. You may have a nickname but that doesn't mean you have to be obnoxious. Amazingly, a lot of people forget this. I'm outspoken, if provoked and this blog is a testament of that fact. Still, there is a difference in being outspoken and being obnoxious. Putting down people without reason is juvenile.
2. Everyone on the Internet is not looking for a match making experience, even if they are single, such as moi. I am polite, flirty even but taken. I dont wish to discuss my personal life in public and that is that. It is irritating to have people hitting on you just because one doesnt like to gush on and on about one's personal life.
3. Being abusive is fine, as is swearing, but sometimes it is revolting, especially when your abuse involves the female genitalia. Just why calling someone female genitalia is abusive, I don't understand, however, I find it very offensive, next to racist abuses people tend to use rather freely.
4. Being on twitter has been an eye opener on how people younger than I, feel and think. Well, nothing has changed with the demographic I am familiar with - engineering/ management graduates. Still misogynist, sexist, racist and desperately chasing tags. Is it a wonder I feel like a misfit at work? Who am I kidding? Indian men just do not know how to behave with women at work and never will learn until their mothers stop treating like Gods. Mommy dearest, are you listening?

How To Say "No"

1. Just say "No", I really do not care you killed a fake uncle or how tired your poor, hardworking husband gets after returning from ummm... whatever.
2. If you have a story, stick to it. It can either be a dead fake uncle OR tired hardworking husband. Not both. One story per excuse is credible. Now, if you add a mumps ridden kid to it too, do you want me to write you a cheque too?
3. If it is an excuse used often, remember what you used last time.
4. Try to make it short, because rambling on and on makes your feeble lie even more feebler. Plus, just a "No" is enough. Most people dont really care about your reasons.
5. If "illness" is your standard excuse, I'm not setting a foot into your house ever, because who really wants a slew of infections? Ewwwwww.....
6. Most importantly, be gracious. Image is everything and you really don't want the reason why you were asked in the first place, flushed down the toilet, do ya?

The Rudest People I Know

• Chinese lawyers - not to be racist or anything, but chinese people can very successfully make you feel like furniture if there is white skin around.
• American women lawyers - again not be racist or anything, but most American women lawyers are so entitled, the world exists only for them, the sun rises only to shine on their day and Apple made ipods, only to provide music to their ears, which is a blessing actually because this way atleast they don't talk to you.
• American stewardesses - I'm sorry, I didnt know asking for water was a crime against humanity. Enough said.
• NRIs - OHMYGOD! Most NRIs have the solutions to ALL of Indian problems and never stop talking about them whether you want to listen to them or not.

Square Peg In a Round Hole

Growing up, my over-polite mother's greatest horror was that I and my siblings would have no "tameez" and the importance of minding our Ps and Qs was dinned into us like nothing else. Mother shouldn't have worried. In a world rapidly forgetting "tameez"/ manners, I'm a fish out of water. I RSVP like nobody's business. I am polite mostly, not a pushover mind you, but very, very polite. I am always punctual - unless millions of people decide to get married on the same day and inconveniencing those who do not by driving in droves to shaadi-baaris (marriage houses - just dont ask). I don't ask rude questions. I don't inconvenience people mostly. I am not rude or deride people generally, whatever I may think of them. I don't play loud music. I don't talk loudly. I don't like intruding on anyone's space.
Which is why I feel the world would benefit greatly if the fear of being ganwaar was paramount. It would certainly make the earth more bearable. I think it has been the greatest failing of our generation that nobody is ashamed of anything. Not of ignorance, not of being rude, not of being uncouth, not of being uneducated, not of even being philistines. The only thing people are ashamed of is being poor and that is what has ruined my generation. I'm not glorifying poverty, afterall I love making money, but in a correct manner, what I mean is that forgetting everything in a mad rush to make pots of money is sickening.
These are the top of my grouses about ganwarpan and I can already imagine nani with a satisfied smirk in her babulal dhobi starched saris and matching jewellery beaming down at me from heaven -

• People not teaching their kids manners in public places. For the millionth time - NO, it is not cute when your brat comes and stares at the food on my table and exclaims loudly, "Mummy, ye kya hai?"
• People staring. Seriously, Indians stare a lot and I hate that.
• People talking loudly in cellphones in public places, especially places like hospitals, banks, bookshops, restaurants and movie theatres. Seriously, I have zero interest in your ganwaar life, just shut up and stop imposing your loud, ganwaar conversation on me. Ladies - The world REALLY is not interested in you or your love life, so speak softly.
• People who cant queue and who constantly move into my space by standing too close to me. I just hate that.
• Social climbers
• People who cant focus on a conversation and who's eyes keep darting around the room while you are talking to them to keep a tab on who to latch onto next.
• Most men in Calcutta. One word - UGH! Either too creepy and slimebally or ugly and pot bellied and unfit and having not achieved anything in life but mediocrity - just very, very uninteresting to me. Now, why dont they get that?

Anyhow. I could go on and on, but sadly life has other pressing demands, so over and out. For Now.

Things That Annoy Me About Art

1. Really, really bad art.
2. Acolytes who mislead people into thinking they are wonderful. Occasionally people need to be told the truth, especially if they are planning Art as a career. There are lots of commercial avenues available. Everyone who is skilled, doesn't need to be an artist. No, seriously.
3. Housewives who have no clue about art apart from being on first name terms with some really bad artists, either posing as artists and/ or running galleries because it gives them something to do and feel hip.
4. Paintings with socially relevant stuff written on them. It just annoys me.
5. Art auctions that inflate art prices and the egos of artists. This works on the really rich. Like they say, a sucker is born every minute. Every art auction thrives on some rich fool who needs to make a statement about arriving.
6. Gallery owners dropping names of the rich and famous, like it will make me buy anything. See No. 5. If you've fooled some rich sucker who has more money than sense (atleast artwise), do you really think you can get away with it all the time.
7. Socialites painting. Enough said!
8. Not to be a total asshole or anything, but swathes of artists reacting to Nandigram etc and putting up shows with horrifyingly bad art.
9. People claiming to love art and knowing many artists (like that is something relevant) and thus being art aficionados, and then when you start talking with them, not knowing anything.
10. All the weird inauguration rubbish for exhibitions. Actually, this should have been #1.

Things That Have Annoyed Me Recently

I know, nobody out there is just DYING to read my latest list of annoyances. Admit it no one, this list has just made your day!

1. Women in my club in garish clothes celebrating their stupid husbands' existence (karva chauth - puke) AND getting the stupider photos published in the club newsletter. Imagine fat (I'm fat too, but I am a stylish non-garish clothes wearing fat; and those young ladies following in their elders' footsteps - well - you're looking at your future darlings) mostly punjabi/ sindhi women wearing gota and zari laden bright red, orange, pink, purple clothes and red lipstick and kilos and kilos of ganwar gold jewellery dancing to folk songs that even my blessed late grandmothers would turn up their snooty noses at.
2. The Docomo Friendship Express advertisement. I want to slap everyone in that advertisement.
3. The idiots exercising on the treadmill beside me who refuse to look the other way while I'm punching in my weight.
4. People who do not understand hygiene and the value of cleaning up. In Kolkata, thats like 99% of the population. Is it a wonder I am bad tempered?
5. People who dont understand the words, going and raving about MJ's This Is It. WHAT THE FUCK? You like watching child molesters? Also, by saying something is great just because the guy has kicked the bucket, what does it prove? If people like the music, it would be different, but whats with this dumb lemming like behaviour?
6. Indian Government Officials - atleast the ones I deal with.
7. Delta airhostesses who talk loudly when the lights are down. Nobody wants to hear about you, just let people sleep.
8. Relatives who only call to get the dirt on you.
9. Women who are wealthy dress tastelessly. Think fur, think satin, think sequins, think capes - ALL together. Women please look into the mirror before you buy. You dont have to buy it just because it cost a bajillion dollars, it needs to look GOOD on you.
10. Women who get married in a rush and then make a mess of it and refuse to listen.
11. People who pretend they have run out of cards and then email a week later, because they need you. I sometimes wonder, do they feel a twinge of regret, at all? Probably not, because well, they are American and thus rude behaviour is fine.
12. Friends who stay in America, forget your existence until they need you to do something for their dependents who are in dirty, smelly, awful India.
13. People who work with you, cracking spiteful jibes and thinking they can get away with it. Hmm... well, like I say, if you're an asshole, you will smell eventually. Also, burning bridges is not very smart.
14. People not understanding the value of RSVPing.
15. The idiot who tore off a leaf from my beloved aloe vera plant. Die asshole! Die!
16. The born donkeys who park all over my lane to get their booze.
17. Pedestrians who cant see an approaching car or understand the value of pavements.
18. Sprite Zero
19. Not getting Pro-Touch OB tampons in Kolkata. If you get me a sackful, I will be your slave for life.
20. Life

People Who Should Have Swine Flu But Wont Because Their Sole Mission In Life is To Annoy Me

1. Behenji
2. Barkha Dutt (Yes sweetie, THATS how annoying you really are)
3. Most of TOI
4. Didi
5. The Karats
6. Most of the CPI M
7. Sushmaji
8. Basically all politicians who irritate me
9. The fat woman who asked me if I was single because I was divorced, widowed or because no man would marry me (NOT MAKING THIS UP)
10. All jay walkers
11. All people who can't stand in a queue in Haldirams and Spencers
12. Pretentious artists
13. Pretentious art critics who write catalogues for pretentious artists
14. Pretentious gallery owners who make pretentious art critics write catalogues for pretentious artists
15. 98% of Bollywood film industry starting with the Bachchans.

Go on, add to the list... You know you want to!

That Don't Impress Me Much

As an aside, I am a tiny blob/ blip/ ant in the universe. Still, according to me, the purpose of the universe is to impress me or else perish. Yes, thats how screwed up I am. Here's another list of things that have been blown out of proportion by people who would bore the living daylights out of me, and I am sure are excited by skyscraper like things:

1. The space needle, Seattle - I really expected it to be bigger, better, taller.
2. Starbucks - not the best coffee, no. Also, I will NEVER understand how people actually substitute soymilk in coffee. Its either proper half and half for moi, or none at all. But, that really is another rant.
3. Dubai - Imagine the most garish place ever, multiply by gadzillion, and you have Dubai.
4. Any tourist destination in Singapore - Singapore is great, IF you avoid the touristy places. The touristy places give cheesy a new meaning.
5. Bridge of Sighs, Venice - Ok, Ok, I get it, prisoners crossed it and sighed, and it is beautiful as all of Venice/ Italy, but I found it disappointing. Why? I expected it to be bigger, better, shinier.

I shall be adding to this list. Soon.

WHY NEWSWEEK WHY?

Is it only me, or is anyone else irritated by Newsweek's changed font? The first line is uppercase is the most annoying change. WHY would anyone want to shout out the first line of every article?

Who Do I Want To Smack The Hardest Today?

Aparna Sen and other "intellectuals" who just landed in Lalgarh.
When will bong intelligentsia stop making statements of the really stupid kind?

I'm Not Heading To Hell

I already live there! Atleast it feels like that right now in Kolkata. The heat is killing and I am shuddering at the thought of the electricity bills this month. Them A/cs, they be workin' overtime.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW MY RECIPE, WHY ASK ME?

Mister! Do you have any answers? NOW?
Parboiling veggies does not make them crunchy and the difference between crunchy and crispy is GOD the OIL. I hate it when people don't follow my instructions and in my kitchen I and ONLY I will cook. I hate it when people dont hold a knife as it should be held, fold the kitchen towel crookedly and I will stab anyone with a cleaver who leaves the lable on the countertop.

Verdana is the Loving Font

I send a reminder to people, explaining all questions that may arise, only to be asked in a subsequent letter, all questions that have been answered in my letter. Fuckers dont even read what is in front of them. So I send SAME letter to them, changing the font and double spacing the paras. I am thanked for replying to all queries. WTF?

Do You Know What He Ate For Dinner?

I hate open plan offices.