Inconvenience Regretted

My parents sent this photo to me and my siblings and said, "Now that we are getting old, we know you three will be inconvenienced far more than we are comfortable. So, we thought this photo was so very apt."
Everytime I look at it, I cry a little. I am the middle child and I remember my father when he would carry all three of us (brother on shoulders, me and my sister in either hand) and my mother when she could dance for hours more gracefully and energetically than our entire class. I don't know what my sister's earliest memories of my parents are, and my brother sadly always saw them somewhat older and much tired. This photo is how I will remember my parents always. Having a ball, whatever their circumstances and always able to laugh and never EVER losing their sense of humour and dignity.

How to Amuse Yourself OR How To Prevent Doing Yourself In

This post is not what some of you may think it is about. Heh!

I largely stay alone. I left home at 17 (For college, not booted out or anything, though I feel I had tried my parents' patience enough). Since then I have been handling my own shit. Once I started drawing a substantial paycheck, there was nothing I wanted more than a roof of my own, where I could plonk in a hundred nails or paint the ceilings blue, without an irate landlord pounding on the door. So, I did that. Once the 100 nails were plonked in and the ceiling was painted blue, and the excitement of setting-up home had died down, I was at a loose end. I was bored. The hours sometimes strectched long and lonely after work. I dont like watching too much television and I dont like meeting people, as a hobby. I didnt want to call up friends and family and whine and sob to them periodically (I did do that, I am ashamed to admit).

So, I decided to do everything that amused me. I got involved in art, started travelling, started cooking stuff more complicated than dal-chawal, joined hobby clubs (Very difficult in Calcutta), started reading (this backfired, because now my home is overrun with books, but apart from a niggling annoyance now and then, dont mind it at all), started painting (also challenging wrt space), joined language classes, joined dance classes and keep doing random shit that I find amusing. I do get lonely even now, but I have a million things to do always and when one has a TO DO list that extends to over a million points, one tends to think lesser of poor old me.

The point of this post is that if you stay alone, do stuff that amuses or interests you and keep your brain occupied. Because nothing can kill you as effectively as loneliness and an idle brain can. You dont need megabucks always. So that should not be an excuse. I have seen many friends go down this path, and it saddens me.

More Surprised Than Anything Else

Few days ago, someone left a really really rude comment, which of course I deleted. Comment moderation, I love you. Anyhow, the funny thing is, I sorta agreed with the commenter, though I doubt he would have seen it that way. The comment was on one of my posts about how Indian men should shape up. I do go on the offensive very often mostly because the Indian men I meet make it just very very easy and my relationships with them are tenuous to say the least. What can I say? I like bad men and not the nice, submissive, mamma's boys kinds. This guy was an american guy of Indian origin and commented that Indian women too were pathetic. Of course, the comment was really rude. BUT, thing is that these days the sheer numbers of pathetic Indian women and men do bring on the bile. Also, I also feel that many Indian women who adopt western influences, embrace all the wrong ones. Me, I'm all about the feminism and equality. Most of my Indian sisters are about the dressing like a slut. Anyway, rude commenter, in a very very weird way, there was a grain of truth in your bilious rant.

Books Etc Giveaway - Results

My books giveaway has been a success! All books, save 5 which I decided not to give were given away. I have successfully sent off all parcels. I have 1 shelf cleared. I shall be posting the second list soon. I know I have been tardy, but life has been rather full at the moment. Hope all of the people who've got the books enjoy them.

Books Etc Giveaway

I have a big pile of stuff I no longer want. Throwing in the trash seems heartless and I would rather someone who really wants to read/ use, gets to read the books/ use stuff. the books/ stuff are all in good condition with minimal wear and tear. Most books are paperbacks. I will be snipping off the page on which I normally scrawl my name for obvious reasons. Other than that they are in very good condition. The reason I am abandoning these books is that I am running out of space at home and I dont wish to keep them for eternity.
I will be crossing out the stuff as soon as it gets booked. All you need to do is email me your mailing address on plumpernickel at gmail dot com. The books will be sent by speedpost. My real life friends and family obv get first preference, but there is a good chance you will. If you have booked a book and it has been previously booked and I have not struck it off the list, I will email you back and inform you. Please understand that I will post the books/ stuff only anywhere in India. Please also do not ask for more than 10.
Anywhere this is the list: The ones struck off have already been booked.

LIST OF GIVEAWAY STUFF

1. Shopaholic & Sister - Sophie Kinsella
2. Shopaholic Takes Manhattan - Sophie Kinsella
3. Can you keep a secret - Sophie Kinsella
4. the Boy next door - Meggin cabot
5. My Sainted Aunts - Bulbul Sharma
6. Shopaholic & Baby - Sophie Kinsella
7. Five Quarters of the orange - Joanne Harris
8. Big Bangs - Beverley Macdonald
9. Written in Blood - Beverley Macdonald
10. Sex and the City - Candace Bushnell
11. Made in America - Sam Walton
12. After the banquet - Yukio Mishima
13. Passenger to frankfurt - Agatha Christie
14. Lark Rise - Flora Thompson
15. The Sea - John Banville
16. Wild Swans - Jung Chang
17. Caravans - James A. Michener
18. The Woman & the Ape - Peter Hoeg
19. The way to paradise - Mario Vargas Llosa
20. Vernon God Little - D B C Pierre
21. The line of beauty - Alan Hollinghurst
22. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
23. The opposite of fate - Amy Tan
24. Amrita - Banana Yoshimoto
25. The year of yes - Maria Headley
26. Everything happens for a reason - Kavita Daswani
27. Bright Lights Big Ass - Jen Lancaster
28. Virtual Realities - Neelam Saran Gour
29. Chasing Cezanne - Peter Mayle
30. Lipstick Jungle - Candace Bushnell
31. The Girl who loved Tom Gordon - Stephen king
32. Rose madder - Stephen king
33. Rude Food - Vir Sanghvi
34. The Bad Mother's Handbook - Kate Long
35. Jigs & Reels - Joanne harris
36. Cause celeb - Helen Fielding
37. My Latest Grievance - Elinor lipman
38. Texas - James A. Michener
39. The Devil wears Prada - Lauren Weisberger
40. The Hippopotamus - Stephen Fry
41. Moonlight Becomes You - Mary Higgins Clark
42. 4 Blondes - Candace Bushnell
43. whale Done - the power of positive relationships - Ken Blanchard
44. Pop - truth and power at the Coca Cola Company - Constance L. Hays
45. Memories of my melancholy whores - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
46. The Wonderspot - Melissa Bank
47. The Sovereignity of Good - Iris Murdoch
48. Everyone worth knowing - Lauren Weisberger
49. The rough guide to Paris
50. Still Life - A. S. Byatt
51. Saving Fish from Drowning - Amy Tan

Polite Conversation

It isnt the done thing to ask ladies how old they are. So, in India people ask you the year you graduated. Doc, did the same. I said, "2000". He said very sadly, "1989." Then he drank 2 glasses of wine very, very quickly.

Being The Skeleton In The Closet

So, we're looking for a bride for my brother. My five year younger brother. In fact, I've even started buying clothes to wear in my brother's wedding and we havent (he hasnt) found the bride yet. Mother was telling me about a meeting she had with a lady with a daughter who could be the suitable girl. And she says, "Before anyone else could tell her, I told her - my daughters are very independent minded. The elder one got married to a Bengali man and the younger one is not going to."

So, world, meet plumpernickel - the skeleton in my family's closet.

People Who Should Have Swine Flu But Wont Because Their Sole Mission In Life is To Annoy Me

1. Behenji
2. Barkha Dutt (Yes sweetie, THATS how annoying you really are)
3. Most of TOI
4. Didi
5. The Karats
6. Most of the CPI M
7. Sushmaji
8. Basically all politicians who irritate me
9. The fat woman who asked me if I was single because I was divorced, widowed or because no man would marry me (NOT MAKING THIS UP)
10. All jay walkers
11. All people who can't stand in a queue in Haldirams and Spencers
12. Pretentious artists
13. Pretentious art critics who write catalogues for pretentious artists
14. Pretentious gallery owners who make pretentious art critics write catalogues for pretentious artists
15. 98% of Bollywood film industry starting with the Bachchans.

Go on, add to the list... You know you want to!

Swine Flu - Bite My Ass

Well, I am back from Bombay. I went wearing a N95 mask but found that too suffocating and it looked too much like a bra cup for my comfort, so I decided to put my daily dose of seven seas cod liver oil to the test and took off the mask and braved the elements. After I took off the mask, few thoughts came to my mind (Yes! In Bulleted form. I have decided to only think in Bullets from now on):

1. Swine flu has killed less than 100 people in India so far. The population of India is almost 1.2 billion, so the odds of my survival are WAYYY high.
2. India deserves regular culling of people. 1.2 billion and not stopping. We Indians, put rabbits to shame. So, I am all for epidemics culling the weaker.
3. Swine flu seems to be a relatively painless way to die compared to cancer, aids, malaria, TB, getting mowed down by Sanjeev Nanda like people, etc. You just get the flu and then you die. End of story.
4. Should I be step-motherly to Natco Pharma? If one supports the footwear industry, the garment industry, the music industry and the publishing industry, why not include the Tamiflu producing industry too? No, no, a million times No.
5. Why doesnt the media clutch their pearls about malaria, TB, cancer, dengue etc. which kill more people than this swine flu?
6. To take swine flu as a lethal killer seriously, I need to see atleast 5000-10000 people all together drop down dead like nine pins or else, whats the point of being a deadly disease?

So, you swine flu can bite my ass. Kill atleast a million people, and then we shall talk.

Why India Should Not Tax Single People Such as Moi

1. Because I will not procreate and add to the burgeoning population and headache of the government in providing UINs, PANs, Ration Cards etc. for more humans.
2. Because, all the income I earn is mine and mine alone and not disguised under the head of "spouse" and children.
3. To compensate for the otherwise irritating and humiliating manner in which most GOI servants treat me - Sample - (i) "Mrs. Plumpernickel" - ummm... No, no, MS. Plumpernickel - Strange suspicious head to toe look ensues. (ii) Passport Officer 1 - "Reason for travel?" - "Tourism" - With mouth agape - "Madam, aapni ekdom ekla jachchein? Kichu mone korbein na. Indiae teke kono mahila ekla prayoh jaaye na." I think I need to have a fresh post about this section, because this post is not about this section.
4. By not having a spouse aka sidekick aka bonded labourer to run sundry errands, I keep multiple families employed - that of my cook, maid, driver-chauffeur, peon, car-cleaner, dhobi ie ironing man, electrician etc.
5. By not procreating, I do not need to save for the education of a child and thus I have more disposable income to errr... kickstart the recession ridden economy of couture clothes, shoes, publishing industry, art cottage industries, gourmet food, gyms, movie theatres and spas.
6. Because of my choices, I am reducing the headache of the GOI in maintaining records pertaining to my family that is restricted to one.

If these are not good reasons for a lifelong tax holiday, the GOI is an ass.

A Crore is The New Lakh

For those who grew up seeing Amrish Kapoor et al as the baddies in Bollywood movies - egad, there are no baddies in movies these days - the evil moneyed person used to be a "lakhpati". These days, medical seats are going for crores. Growing old/er is such a depressing thing.

I Laughed Too Soon

I laughed mercilessly at my brother's tax cuts, until I got handed my pay cheque today.

The day I get to walk on clean pavements, minus road romeos and eve teasers, do not need to drink bottled water and can drink straight from the tap, do not have to see (for me, heart rending) children begging at traffic lights, I will stop grumbling about my taxes. Education cess! Bah! If even a rupee of the amount deducted from my salary goes into education, I would be happy. At times like these, I consider seriously trading in my passport, but then, where else could I call the prime minister/ president/ other MPs etc., ineffective, untrustworthy fools in public repeatedly and get away with it. Personal freedom Vs. a better quality of life. Tough call for me.

The Difference Between Delhi and Calcutta

Over Dinner, FnF and I were talking about how terrible it is that women in India have to face so much unpleasantness in daily life, viz a viz. sexual harassment. Both of us stopped going for morning walks just because the everyday nuisance of having men brush past, ogle, pass lewd comments and just try to bully you into submission is not encouraging at all. I have nearly slapped many men or threatened to do so and abused them severely. I don't wish to do this when I'm on a walk supposedly for relaxation, however I don't want to be raped or to be brushed against or bullied in any manner. Then we compared cities and since she actually stayed in Delhi while I merely studied there and was on campus all the time, I think she would be a better judge. She said that in Delhi, the harassment is merely sexual in nature, but in Calcutta there is a belligerence and frustation.

I have never thought about this. I would like to know if there are any women from Delhi who read this and who agree with this. Also, women from Calcutta. Do you also feel the frustation and belligerence of men in Kolkata?

I am very upset about how India treats its women. Why is everyday life made so unpleasant? Why can't we punish eve-teasing and sexual harassment with castration? I am sure that would deter people. If I was a man, that would deter me. What do Indian men feel about this?